Infertility and Faith

Infertility is something that I never anticipated for myself. I didn’t think this challenging path would be one that I would have to learn to navigate. It was a journey that I never envisioned but who truly does?

It was years of confusion, misunderstandings and HOPE.

Here is my vulnerability.

When I married my husband in 2014, we were living life to its fullest. We travelled to our favorite vacation spots; we attended all the gatherings we desired to participate in. We were adventurous souls. We laugh now at the spontaneous things we’ve done in our lives and how completely and totally unplanned they were. I remember specifically having one of the best “mini vacays”.  I woke up at 7:00 am on a Saturday morning and asked my half-asleep husband and two of our friends if they wanted to take a trip to Nashville, TN. We loaded up with no plan, no place to sleep for the night and no real schedule.  I am still wearing the boots today I purchased on this trip!

That was us.  I often referred to myself as a “fly by the seat of my pants’ kind of person. I lived up to that. However, I still had the instinctive urge of motherhood to settle down and start a family.

2019 was the year that ultimately my brain chemistry began to change. The desires of my heart were really starting to shift.  That slight tug in my heart longing to become a mother was stronger. I lived by “it will happen” for years, but it wasn’t.  It was five years after marriage and still no children.

Its something about marrying a man that you are completely in love with and looking at them and imagining them as a father.

 I had increasingly become eager to give that to him and I just “couldn’t”.  I had the feminine urge to look at my husband and simply say, “I am sorry’.  

Infertility tests our faith and our character.

When we were caught amid the struggle and everyone around us was seemingly growing their families without difficulty, for me, bitterness set in.

Although as Christians we’re taught not fall into this; but to trust Gods plan, the longevity of the struggles to conceive my own children tested me.

People began inquiring about children. The questions started, you know… the common questions that are often not thought about when asking: when are you going to have kids, y’all thinking about kids yet, y’all not planning on having a family anytime soon, you’re not going to give your parents any grandchildren?  Most people genuinely mean no harm by these questions because unless you have personally gone through infertility the reality is you don’t think about it.

They didn’t know it was hurtful to ask, and I didn’t want to become the person that wore my feelings on the sleeve of my shirt, so I brushed it off with “when we’re ready”.

 But deep down- it did hurt.

The depths of my story haven’t been shared with many because I don’t often like to make myself vulnerable. I have never been ashamed of my circumstances, but if I didn’t acknowledge it then people didn’t feel the need to bring more attention to it.

Behind the doors of our home, more times than even my husband likely knew were purchased pregnancy tests, one after another. A hidden box in the back of our bathroom closet and one negative result after another.

Eventually- I stopped. I already knew.

To be truthful, I haven’t always lived a life that was an honorary reflection of what Christianity should look like. Thankfully, I was raised in a Christian home where good morals were always taught and that even though I didn’t attend church as I should I always knew that God heard my prayers and knew the desires of my heart.

I prayed “if it’s your will, Lord”.

In the Old Testament of the bible, it speaks about the barrenness of women. In 1st Samuel we learn that Hannah wanted a child, and God had not given her one. She wept in anguish. Eli was the priest sitting on the seat by doorpost of the tabernacle and Eli watched Hannah’s lips as she prayed. Hannah spoke in her heart, only her lips moved but her voice was not heard. Hannah prayed in such anguish that Eli thought she was drunk. She was not drunk she was of sorrowful spirit.

If you are going through infertility, I think its easy to relate to Hannahs desperate cry to God because YOU know this feeling.

There are lessons to be found in everything that happens.

It was in 2020 that I had come to realize that it must not have been Gods will for me to become pregnant. I truly accepted this for the first time. It was almost as if a weight had been lifted from me. I had stopped trying to control the situation.

And just like that- God rewarded us greatly.

It was not like how we imagined. It was not like how WE had planned. It was out of OUR control and on God’s time. He had a bigger plan. Years prior God had placed people in our lives that would help to be part of his plan- and we had no idea. These same people that spontaneously hopped in the car with us on a random Saturday… to enjoy an afternoon of no plans in a place we were simply passing through helped to change our lives.

God placed a sweet little baby boy in our arms and our lives have forever been different. A gratitude that is indescribable.

I believe God humbles us.

In the midst of the pain, we see God refining us.

It is the Lords will and not our own.

For anyone that is going through infertility, I am praying for God to comfort your heart. To help guide you through an emotional journey. To give you the knowledge of learning. To provide you with understanding even when it’s difficult.

 -Amen